Pappa wanneer kom je weer bij ons thuis wonen?

Zondag 11 april 2004.

11:00 uur
Naar papa. Karin en Marlies, met man en kids zijn er.

13:00 uur
Mijn dochter, ruim drie jaar oud, ze huilt en huilt. Ze blijft huilen als ik haar op bed leg. Tien minuten later kom ik bij haar kijken. Ze wil dat ik weer "bij ons thuis" kom wonen. Een diep verdriet welt in me op, ik huil en zeg dat het niet gaat en hoe ik het ook heel erg vind. Ik wil het niet. Ze ziet naar me, wordt stil en lijkt aan te voelen dat het leven soms zijn eigen beslissingen neemt.
We beginnen allebei te lachen, een enorme opluchting maakt zich van ons meester, het voelt aan als overgave. De rest van de middag is ze vrolijk, en als ik even later met haar broer naar oma ga (gisteren rode tulpen gekocht) ben ook ik stil van binnen. Ik verwacht dat zij niet langer over deze kwestie zal beginnen; ergens heeft ze de acceptatie een plek weten te geven.

PG: acceptance

(PG = personal growth)

My sister Ivonne called me up, mum is getting worse again.
She won't come out of the bed any more.

Are we going to give her medication?
Only the one against the pain.
It could be over any day now.

Thursday and friday i'll be in Baarlo.
I planned to go to family constellations in Breda next saturday
but Marije let me know that I'm not needed
(that is our agreement: i let her know if I'm able to come, she lets me know if i'm needed)

Therefore i decided to go to Lichtenvoorde on friday night, and nowhere else.
Funny enough i have the idea that she will die on friday night, or saturday during the day.
That she will wait until i return home.

This evening i will go to the school in Zwolle.
Shouldn't i be with my mum?
I have no doubt, or maybe a little.

Maybe it is my wish to accompany her to the border,
and wave her goodbye.
Maybe this is also her wish.
She might wait on me.

I draw my own plan, and try to keep observing
how my desire and reality can sometimes be different

Sorrow is for me the strength to make my desire be different from reality
Acceptance is letting go of sorrow.

If i'm with my mother, i have no sorrow.
My strength is streaming through my hand on to her shoulders.
Her eyes start to shine bright whenever i touch her. I can feel it.

The farewell is intense, though i am miles and miles away from her.

Ronald.
5 november 2003 16:18

PG: the child in the glass box

I drink coffee with my dad, before i leave for a 2 hours drive to the west coast. My dad tells me a story, it seems to come out of the blue. About one year before i was born, his sister gave birth to a little boy. My dad said that the kid was 2 months early, it had lived in a couveuse (glass box) for several days before it died.

This story is hitting me real hard. I rush into the car, and i start crying for about half an hour. Somewhere deep inside me a contact is made. I feel so relieved that this boy, whom i had never heard of, is recognized to have existed. I feel the connection between the child's grave and the glass box, and i get to understand why the people left. There were no words at that time.

PG: the Walk for Atonement

For the first time in my life, i walk long distance. I baptised it the Walk for Atonement, named after one of the Avatar exercises. I feel like Harry Dean Stanton in PARIS, TEXAS.

My sister calls again from Thailand. The person who rents her house wants to leave this month, so the house is available from October first. This is great news.

During the walk (about 145 km in six days) a constant stream of synchronicity accompanies me which has never left me since.

PG: leaving home

The moment i drive out the street, my cell phone rings. My sister Ivonne is calling from Thailand, asking me how I am doing. I park the car. This is unusual, she hardly ever calls and neither do i. I tell her i just left my wife and kids only minutes ago. I'm going to live with mum and dad for a while. This fighting marriage has exhausted me, first time in my life where things don't work out the way i wanted, despite the huge amount of energy invested. She tells me that the person who has rented her house in Holland may no longer be able to pay the rent. I might rent her house then. She thinks this would be somewhere in Januari 2004.

PG: about long-distant feelings

I'm at work in Zoetermeer, a town about 80 km from where i live. I feel restless all morning, there's something back home that really worries me. By the time it's 2 pm i need to go home immediately.

During my drive home i suddenly realize that for the first time in our marriage, my wife is looking away from me, towards another man. When i come home she's very surprised. I ask her about my feeling. Yes there is someone, he's a really good friend. But don't you worry he's physically unattractive, i just need someone to talk to and this friendship feels great.

A few days later I ask her to think of another good friend, and then count the number of times a day she thinks of either one. Is there a significant difference? And then she comes to realize that she's in love with this man. She agrees to stop seeing him, she doesn't want to love him, just wants them to be good friends that's all.

But as it appears this is asking for the impossible.

PG: family constellations

About 14 people have joined in on this 2 days event called family constellations. We are sitting in a wide circle in this empty room, all with our backs against the wall. Marije invites me to sit next to her. She wants to know my question.

I don´t know. Its like something is missing in my life. I tell her my feeling of a painted bird. As if the stork had dropped me on the wrong planet. She asks me if i want to have a look. I say yes i do. And then she says find the person in this group who will be your representant.

I look around and ask J. He agrees and stands up. I am instructed to stand behind J, place my hands on his shoulders, let go of all thoughts and follow my hands. We walk into this empty center of the room. I feel huge turbulent emotions inside. I turn him to the right, face towards the stove. Then Marije tells me to pick a seat. I go sit by the stove. Then i notice J is looking at me, i am right in front of his face. I dont want this, so i move out of his sight.

J stands in the middle. Marije asks him how the representant of Ronald is doing. J says he feels uncomfortable. He is unable to move. We wait to see what happens.

The pressure is hardly bearable. Then suddenly S joins the constellation. I have never seen this before. He says i am pulled into this system and i don´t know why. Marije says ok find your place. S stands behind J. His belly touches J´s back, and his arms are strait forward. And then S starts marching forward, pushing J along.

As they march forward, L steps in. She says she is also pulled into the constellation. This i have never experienced in all cases when i was representant. The colonne is marching strait at her. S tries to march on, pushing J along, but L blocks them when S tries to squeeze J and her against the wall. The march is coming to an end. S marches on with his feet but he does not push any more. And then L goes and sits at J´s feet, with her back against the other two. J holds her hands.

Suddenly S starts marching backwards. His arms squeeze J who is pulled backwards with him. As S and J move back, L is pulled with them. She is literally dragged over the floor as the march continues. Marije asks me if i recognize this. I am deeply moved by the sight of it all. I point at J and shout hysterically "You see? I am stuck!"

The constellation goes on, other people are invited in. But this is what its all about. I dont know what it means, but i feel deep truth in what i just saw.

PG: the invitation

Dear Marije,

I decided to accept your invitation to have a look into my family system.
I would like to participate in the constellations event of april 4+5, 2003.

The point is, i have been very ill for more than a week now, and i notice how in difficult situations like these, the desire for death supports me like a friend, full of understanding and with respect.

I would like to know more about my friend.
Best regards, Ron

PG: the cleanup

I'm lying in my bed for several days. I cannot eat, i cannot move. Even when i try to turn my body it hurts like a dog. It feels like all my cells are dying, one by one and all at once. I think i'm dying.

PG: the Avatar course 2002

I'm on this AVATAR course. Avatar is about belief management. The Avatar master wants to know why i have come here. I tell him my story. All my life i have been waiting. I don't know why i'm waiting or whom i'm waiting for. But it definitely affects my life and i want to get it out of my system.

During the course, i have a vision. I'm lying in a room. It's totally dark around me. With my hands i can feel the ceiling above me. This is weird. I hear voices coming from above, footsteps of people. Suddenly i realize i'm in a child's grave. I try to shout 'let me out, i'm not dead'. But the people don't understand where the sound comes from, and they leave.

By the end of the course i find the answer to my question. This is not my life. I'm a placeholder, waiting for another person to show up and retake what is rightfull his.