PG: leaving home

The moment i drive out the street, my cell phone rings. My sister Ivonne is calling from Thailand, asking me how I am doing. I park the car. This is unusual, she hardly ever calls and neither do i. I tell her i just left my wife and kids only minutes ago. I'm going to live with mum and dad for a while. This fighting marriage has exhausted me, first time in my life where things don't work out the way i wanted, despite the huge amount of energy invested. She tells me that the person who has rented her house in Holland may no longer be able to pay the rent. I might rent her house then. She thinks this would be somewhere in Januari 2004.

PG: about long-distant feelings

I'm at work in Zoetermeer, a town about 80 km from where i live. I feel restless all morning, there's something back home that really worries me. By the time it's 2 pm i need to go home immediately.

During my drive home i suddenly realize that for the first time in our marriage, my wife is looking away from me, towards another man. When i come home she's very surprised. I ask her about my feeling. Yes there is someone, he's a really good friend. But don't you worry he's physically unattractive, i just need someone to talk to and this friendship feels great.

A few days later I ask her to think of another good friend, and then count the number of times a day she thinks of either one. Is there a significant difference? And then she comes to realize that she's in love with this man. She agrees to stop seeing him, she doesn't want to love him, just wants them to be good friends that's all.

But as it appears this is asking for the impossible.

PG: family constellations

About 14 people have joined in on this 2 days event called family constellations. We are sitting in a wide circle in this empty room, all with our backs against the wall. Marije invites me to sit next to her. She wants to know my question.

I don´t know. Its like something is missing in my life. I tell her my feeling of a painted bird. As if the stork had dropped me on the wrong planet. She asks me if i want to have a look. I say yes i do. And then she says find the person in this group who will be your representant.

I look around and ask J. He agrees and stands up. I am instructed to stand behind J, place my hands on his shoulders, let go of all thoughts and follow my hands. We walk into this empty center of the room. I feel huge turbulent emotions inside. I turn him to the right, face towards the stove. Then Marije tells me to pick a seat. I go sit by the stove. Then i notice J is looking at me, i am right in front of his face. I dont want this, so i move out of his sight.

J stands in the middle. Marije asks him how the representant of Ronald is doing. J says he feels uncomfortable. He is unable to move. We wait to see what happens.

The pressure is hardly bearable. Then suddenly S joins the constellation. I have never seen this before. He says i am pulled into this system and i don´t know why. Marije says ok find your place. S stands behind J. His belly touches J´s back, and his arms are strait forward. And then S starts marching forward, pushing J along.

As they march forward, L steps in. She says she is also pulled into the constellation. This i have never experienced in all cases when i was representant. The colonne is marching strait at her. S tries to march on, pushing J along, but L blocks them when S tries to squeeze J and her against the wall. The march is coming to an end. S marches on with his feet but he does not push any more. And then L goes and sits at J´s feet, with her back against the other two. J holds her hands.

Suddenly S starts marching backwards. His arms squeeze J who is pulled backwards with him. As S and J move back, L is pulled with them. She is literally dragged over the floor as the march continues. Marije asks me if i recognize this. I am deeply moved by the sight of it all. I point at J and shout hysterically "You see? I am stuck!"

The constellation goes on, other people are invited in. But this is what its all about. I dont know what it means, but i feel deep truth in what i just saw.

PG: the invitation

Dear Marije,

I decided to accept your invitation to have a look into my family system.
I would like to participate in the constellations event of april 4+5, 2003.

The point is, i have been very ill for more than a week now, and i notice how in difficult situations like these, the desire for death supports me like a friend, full of understanding and with respect.

I would like to know more about my friend.
Best regards, Ron

PG: the cleanup

I'm lying in my bed for several days. I cannot eat, i cannot move. Even when i try to turn my body it hurts like a dog. It feels like all my cells are dying, one by one and all at once. I think i'm dying.

PG: the Avatar course 2002

I'm on this AVATAR course. Avatar is about belief management. The Avatar master wants to know why i have come here. I tell him my story. All my life i have been waiting. I don't know why i'm waiting or whom i'm waiting for. But it definitely affects my life and i want to get it out of my system.

During the course, i have a vision. I'm lying in a room. It's totally dark around me. With my hands i can feel the ceiling above me. This is weird. I hear voices coming from above, footsteps of people. Suddenly i realize i'm in a child's grave. I try to shout 'let me out, i'm not dead'. But the people don't understand where the sound comes from, and they leave.

By the end of the course i find the answer to my question. This is not my life. I'm a placeholder, waiting for another person to show up and retake what is rightfull his.

PoD: thoughtstorm results

PAUL HEERE just sent me an email with the results of a thoughtstorm on the essential properties of Pay-on-Demand (PoD).

The number of plus (+) and minus (-) shows howmuch response there was on the items mentioned. [Response means non-verbal (dis-)approvement e.g. nodding etc)

1. +++ PoD stimulates entrepreneurship (example. go to the neighbours and clean their toilet)
2. ++ Utilizes the internet principle of marketplace for request and offer
3. ++ Liberal system
4. -/+ It is a streaming, continuous process
5. + It offers chances to develop talents
6. ++ Payment is ensured, non-payers do not exist anymore
7. Your value is measured by your actions
8. +++ Elderly can make themselves usefull
9. ++ No more difference between work/non work/out-of-tax-sight work
10. ++ No more buffer needed for later (like pension - money u get when reaching age of 65)
11. + Streams create streams
12. + Networking becomes important
13. +++ Commitment to community, it is certain that it will come back
14. ++ PoD is opponent of the coolness that the internet offers --> human contact
15. +/- Funny that a product can stream, but also pay (compare cellphone)
16. +/- From A to B can also be from A to D, from C to B
17. There is more social interaction. In current society goes: in the process of buying you create distance.
18. + People are more likely to get together, see LETS communities on the internet
19. Give and take are getting closer together
20. Give and take are replaced by exchange
21. It is fluent energy, the initiative may very well come from the one that offers
22.++ PoD is a good system for enhancement of the integration of foreigners, a lot of them are used to a culture of negotiation
23. ++ It is borderless, universal
24. +/- That is why the internet is such a success

During the preparations following was observed:
- PoD could work as a love relationship, in which an invisible balance exists between give and take. One does expect something back, but it is not calculated.
- How long can anyone get without repentance?
- PoD could be a society where money no longer exists. Instead, wealth is used; people get what they should have and give what they should give. Because of wealth there is space.