Thursday, November 06, 2003

PG: acceptance

(PG = personal growth)

My sister Ivonne called me up, mum is getting worse again.
She won't come out of the bed any more.

Are we going to give her medication?
Only the one against the pain.
It could be over any day now.

Thursday and friday i'll be in Baarlo.
I planned to go to family constellations in Breda next saturday
but Marije let me know that I'm not needed
(that is our agreement: i let her know if I'm able to come, she lets me know if i'm needed)

Therefore i decided to go to Lichtenvoorde on friday night, and nowhere else.
Funny enough i have the idea that she will die on friday night, or saturday during the day.
That she will wait until i return home.

This evening i will go to the school in Zwolle.
Shouldn't i be with my mum?
I have no doubt, or maybe a little.

Maybe it is my wish to accompany her to the border,
and wave her goodbye.
Maybe this is also her wish.
She might wait on me.

I draw my own plan, and try to keep observing
how my desire and reality can sometimes be different

Sorrow is for me the strength to make my desire be different from reality
Acceptance is letting go of sorrow.

If i'm with my mother, i have no sorrow.
My strength is streaming through my hand on to her shoulders.
Her eyes start to shine bright whenever i touch her. I can feel it.

The farewell is intense, though i am miles and miles away from her.

5 november 2003 16:18