Thursday, January 22, 2009

The paradox of problems that can not be solved

This posting blogged first at

The situation is that i find it hard to express my self.

I setup my mind to be in a receptive state,
to translate to images and words that,
which my body has to say.

My biological body is a fusion of the bodies of my father and of my mother,
Their bodies, in return, are a fusion of the bodies of their fathers and their mothers.

I contemplate if it is possible that my problems are in fact their problems,
I contemplate if my body is susceptible to the same energies that their bodies were susceptible to.
Were, because my parent bodies are no longer alive.

I have this problem that has been with me for so long.
A deeply felt sense of ... what is it?
Fear? Responsibility? The pain of humanity?
I am not sure.

I wonder if this sense is a reaction from my body.
I wonder if i inherited this from my parents.
Maybe they felt the same.

What if they, in return, got this same sense, from their parents?
What if the problem that i hold for so long, is not mine, is not theirs either?

I realize that it is the same situation for me as it is for my parents.
I feel that i will be set free if my parents give their problem back to their parents,
and their parents in return give it back to theirs,
perhaps all the way back to Adam and Eve,
the original sin.

And now,
contemplating all this, i realize,
i must make the first step.

My parents can not give back their problem, unless i give it back to them first.
I come to realize that i felt this need to solve their problem,
and the fact that i can not solve my problem suggests,
that it is not my problem at all.

So now i imagine that the problem is not mine,
i still don't know who owns the problem,
but i feel the reaction of my body.

I feel joy and relief, so i know i am on the right path.

Now i consider the next question, of giving the problem back to my parents
I have no answer for them as to the question of : is this yours?
I only know that i trust them to do with the problem as i have done,
since i am they and they are me.
If i can do it, they can do it.

In fact, there is no option that they are less capable than me,
for how could i be me unless they were them ?

My mind understands all this,
and i can start the process of grief,
of saying farewell to all the energy that i put into solving someone else's problem.

I feel that it is difficult to let go of the problem.
A huge gap opens up now that i have no longer this problem.
What will i do? How to give a new meaning to my life?

This is what i came to understand as the paradox of problems that can not be solved

Best regards, Ron
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Saturday, January 03, 2009

Driving my attention vehicle

This blog first posted on

The story keeps coming back to me so i need to express it.

Some time ago i was part of a team.
There was an important demo planned on friday.
The planner forgot to ask me if i was available on fridays.

I had other plans on friday.
On thursday evening at 7pm, the demo was not ready yet.

We were kicked out of the building by the security officer.
"Building is closing today".

I wasn't going to go back on friday to finish the demo.
But i felt bad about leaving the team.

So i headed back home, a 3 hour train ride
Then, the walk from the home town train station back home, 15 minutes more.

Almost there, the thought re-appeared inside me that i had left the team.

I thought of it some more, and then i found it.
This was about me, the expert, solving problems that no other team member could do.
They needed me !

And then i laughed about myself. How would i know? These people might know a lot more than i do.

So then and there, about a minute before my doorstep, i decided that i would change the direction of my attention.
I kicked out this idea of "the great Ron" and replaced it by a feeling of trust, an inner certainty that the team as a whole would be able to find the solution in time.

i felt my skin glowing and i felt a deep sense of pride
as if the work was already done.

one more time the thought crept inside me "can they do it?"
and then i again realized that the "they" was as much ego as the "me" - it was yet another expression of "they need me"
which, by that time, i knew was the same as
"i do hope they need me?"

and again i laughed
joy about me
and my ego had fun too !

so we were laughing together,
me and my mind, my ego,
walking the last steps to the front door,

it couldn't have been more than 30 seconds,
the door knob in my hand,
my phone rings.

it is one of the team members
"I found it ! " he said

This true story happened somewhere in september 2008.
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